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Masha and Masha: Your Guides to the Stars

Masha is dead! Long live Masha & Masha, the Masha Twins!

No, O faithful follower of all things celestial, the original Masha has not actually shrugged off this mortal coil; rather she has decided, to the greater glory of her BRS, to take the veil at the Convent of Novodevichy.

Happily, the stars have favored us, and in response to our job vacancy listing, Masha and her twin sister Masha wrote to say they would pick up where their bigrussiansoul-sister left off. Ñóäüáà! Please join us in welcoming the Masha Twins, who have pledged their formidable souls to laying bare for you the mysteries of the Zodiac.

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October 2007
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Aries Your trip to Georgia will be punctuated by a natural disaster, as floods ravage the region of Abkhazia leading to the absence of a clean water supply and a typhoid pandemic for the entire area. Just when all hope seems lost, Dima Bilan will descend from the skies with a jetpack holding a bowl of Bon Aqua; bringing relief to all in the region; bringing an end to the Georgian-Russian rift; and providing the pretext for the release of his new single "Drink from my Bowl" as it debuts at number one on the Tbilisi Top 20.

Taurus (April. 20—May 20)
Taurus You will return from your journey to Central Asia repeating a profound truth as your new mantra, "Say what you will about Kyrgyzstan, but they've got the best salmon of any landlocked nation who's name begins with 'Kyrg.'"

Gemini (May 21—June 21)
Gemini Your pilgrimage to TGI Friday's in Kyiv, in an attempt to get a filling meal of American style cuisine, will work against you. Your waitress will offer you a child's menu, and only a child's menu. Don't fight the system, try and change it from within. We recommend starting with the Pirate's Fish Fillets.

Cancer (June 22—July 22)
Cancer Customs officials in Turkmenistan will be perplexed when they find your Esperanto copy of Ruhnama as you leave the country. As far as they know, one was never published. And while they don't personally object to its existence, for some reason they feel taking it out of the country is just wrong. Prepare to speak Turkmen mat'.

Leo (July 23—Aug. 22)
Leo The rumors are true. The food poisoning in Tajikistan is the best you'll ever have. Rest assured you'll recover soon enough. Besides, what says Thanksgiving more than turkey, mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie through an IV?

Virgo (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Virgo You'll spend more time in Uzbekistan than you expect. The presidential elections are coming. Stock up on water, canned goods and flare guns. We ain't kiddin' on this one, folks.

Libra (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
Libra Ownership of a Moscow Maniacs leather jacket will not get you acceptance from the Riga Rebels motorcycle gang. Don't dare try and blend in or think you have right of passage, unless you, too, own leather chaps.

Scorpio (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
Scorpio We don't care what Lonely Planet says about the beaches in Baku. It's a Speedo or it's nothing at all. We'd prefer Speedo.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
Sagittarius Lately, Belarus has developed a reputation for not paying off their debts. Capitalize on this, by taking out a loan from one of their banks. Through the law of Lukashenkivity, you too will be able to default.

Capricorn (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
Capricorn Ears ahoy! While in Kazakhstan, you'll learn that no one loves ring tones like the Kazakhs. Fully grown men making multi-million dollar deals will view a phone call, not as a means to communicate, but an opportunity to let their Moby ring tone provide everyone in the room with a modest sonata… and you'll consistently be in the second chorus before they decide to finally answer.

Aquarius (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
Aquarius Your attempt to swim from the Port of Tallinn to Peterhof will be interrupted by Finnish naval exercises. When they pull you on board their navy cruiser, be sure to scream, "I'll never defect, you bastards!" This will get you an extra cup of coffee, some dried fish and a blanket ASAP.

Pisces (Feb. 19—March 20)
Pisces Through a series of cosmic alignments you'll find yourself competing in the semi-finals of Armenian Idol. You'll have all the talent to take home the title, but beware that you'll be locked in a four-year contract which forces you to cover one Scooter song per album.

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